Entailing: Harsh Reality

Life can be f*cking great sometimes.

And sometimes. It's not.

Just a heads up:

My blogs aren't meant to hurt anyone.

Rarely is what I write directed at one person.

The things I write about come from experience- experiences other people have been, or are, going through also.

If you have such a strong opinion against what I'm saying- start your own blog.

If what I say bugs you- don't read it.

My apology:

Years ago, I felt invisible, and like no matter what I did, it didn't matter. Slowly, with a lot of work- things were ok again. But it's left a lot of scars- and affected how I am in relationships, and with other people.

When I'm ignored, or when someone doesn't want to talk to me, I feel like I did something wrong.

So if I'm controlling, I'm sorry.

I hate when people are rude and make fun of other people, especially in public.

So if I'm bitchy, I'm sorry.

I have a hard time trusting people. I will ask the same questions over and over, just to make sure.

So if I'm annoying, I'm sorry.

I over think- but it seems like a lot of the time I'm right.

So what I say seems irrelevant/crazy, I'm sorry.

Once someone plays a big role in my life I want them to stay, and it makes it harder when they don't want to.

So if I'm pushy, I'm sorry.

I go above and beyond for the people I care about. I don't demand anything in return, even if it seems like it.

So if I seem expecting, I'm sorry.

When someone doesn't want to be around me anymore, I want to know every single reason why, even if it doesn't seem like they should matter.

So if I nag, I'm sorry.

When I'm hurt, I like to talk about it, because if I don't it builds up- and I like hearing other people's opinions and advice.

So if I whine, I'm sorry.

I don't think that sarcasm is always necessary. I believe that there's a time when you should be considerate of what you're saying.

So if seem butt hurt, I'm sorry.

I'm tend to think about the things I could have, and should have done differently, and I want to that person about it- even if they don't want to hear it.

So if I annoy you, I'm sorry.

I have a hard time with pain. And I cling to those who are, or were, there for me- even if they are the ones hurting me.

So if I don't give you space, I'm sorry.

I hate opening up to new people, because it's one more person that can hurt you. So when I open up to someone- they become important to me.

So if it seems like I'm clingy, I'm sorry.

I have insecurities like most, but overall, I'm pretty confident in who I am. I'm just not always confident that other people like me.

So if I seem insecure, I'm sorry.

I believe things easily, especially the things I want to hear. And then when I find out the truth, it hurts me.

So if seem sensitive, I'm sorry.

I don't believe that love or friendship can disappear just like that.

So if I don't stop trying, I'm sorry.

I try to take criticism well, and listen to what people are saying, and work on it- but I hate being the only person trying to make things work.

So if I seem stuck in my ways, I'm sorry.

I get worried when people start to become distant from me- and become closer with someone else. It makes me feel like I'm not good enough.

So if I seem jealous, I'm sorry.

I prefer to put things in the past, but some things takes time, and brokenness doesn't heal over night.

So if it seem like I'm holding a grudge, I'm sorry.

I don't always realize if what I'm saying has a strong affect on someone.

So if I seem inconsiderate, I'm sorry.

The harsh reality:

The people you thought will always be there for you, might not be.

The people who told you they'd always love you, probably won't.

Not everyone will like you.

Some people hate us for no reason.

Don't make someone your life, because more than likely they won't make you theirs.

No matter how much you do for someone, at the end of the day- they will still have their own opinion about you.

The harder you try to keep someone in  your life, the more you push them away.

Life is just as predictable as the weather; it's not.

We won't always see eye-to-eye with someone, and that can make or break things.

People change, and not always for the better. Maybe better for them, but not for you.

When you don't think it can get worse, it can. But it can also get better.

Good memories aren't enough to keep someone around, but bad ones are enough to make them leave.

No matter how many cute outfits you buy or how many pounds you lose, you can't make someone love you.

No matter how much money you make, it won't buy you happiness.

Your attitude is a big part in things, but sometimes no matter how hard you try, things are still hard.

A lighter reality:

Hitting rock bottom means you have no where to go but up.

Feeling like you have no one means you can go meet anyone.

Feeling like you are nothing means you have a lot of room for improvement.

Feeling like you have nothing means you can do anything, and not leave anything behind to regret leaving.

Feeling like you're living in complete darkness means it will only take a small light to brighten things.

Even if it feels like time is moving slowly, it means you're slowly improving.

 And that my friends, is reality.

Entailing: The Hardest Things

There is nothing perfect and easy about life.

The hardest things:

• School
• Studying for a test that you sincerely don't understand a word of
• Getting along with a teacher you hate
• Getting through Mondays, and all the other days
• Being on time- it really is kind of hard.
• Paying attention for the entire class period
• Bringing text books- we either lose them, or forget we even have one.
• The last month of school- impossible
• Getting through school without your stomach growling
• Food
• Roasting the perfect marshmallow
• Making toast without burning it
• No over cooking something in the microwave
• Ever tried cooking more than one thing on the stove? Chaos!
• Getting the last drop of soda in a can or water in a bottle
• Not eating when you're bored
• Eating a giant sandwich without it falling apart
• Melting ALL the cheese on nachos, without burning some of it.
• Sleeping
• I applaud anyone who doesn't snooze their alarm
• Getting enough sleep to where you actually feel rested
• Remembering your dreams
• Getting out of bed when it's cold
• Getting comfortable when it's hot
• Going to sleep earlier than midnight
• Waking up in the middle of the night, and not being able to fall back asleep
• Trying to fall asleep when you've got a million things on your mind.
• Relationships
• Loving someone who doesn't love you back
• Trying not to be jealous
• When you're not ok, and they're perfectly fine
• Saying something you immediately regret
• Looking back, and wishing you would have done things different
• Healing a broken heart
• Maintaining your own lives in addition to being a part of each others
• When you can't say how you really feel because it will start a fight
• Driving
• Driving the speed limit when  you're late
• Letting the car that cut you off into your lane
• Not flipping that person off
• Getting the perfect distance away from the curb
• Not screaming when that jerk just snaked your parking spot
• Using your blinkers when you're tired- it seems so much harder that way.
• Keeping your car clean for more than a day
• Driving perfectly when a cop is driving behind you
• Cleaning
• Folding clean clothes and putting them away right away
• Keeping your room perfectly clean for 24 hours- I dare you.
• Trying to get out of chores
• Not shoving everything under your bed
• Vacuuming- it happens once in a blue moon.
• A place for everything? Ya right.
• Trying to understand why your mom wants everything cleaned when it's not dirty?
• Cleaning something  you didn't make a mess of with a good attitude
• Fashion
• Having a wardrobe full of clothes, and still feeling like you have nothing to wear
• Getting ready when you're sick, tired, or sad
• Getting ready, and not seeing the person you want to see you
• Not getting ready, and seeing that same person.
• Ironing- I swear I just iron in more wrinkles..
• Feeling like you look good when you feel like a fat ass
• Trying to fit into a pair of jeans that's too small
• Wearing something again once you know someone else has it
• Sticky Hands
• Painting your nails without getting nail polish on your fingers
• Gluing something without getting it all over your hands
• Try to spray paint without getting it on your hands- really
• Peeling an orange without getting sh*t all over your fingers 
• Eating fruit without getting sticky fingers
• Not getting that gross muggy feeling on your hands from lotion
• Keeping your hands clean while carving a pumpkin
• Cheeto fingers and ice cream sandwich fingers- enough said
• Pets
• Not getting hair- everywhere
• Picking up the gnarliest smelling poops
• Remembering to feed them when  your mom asked you to- 7 hours ago
• Breathing when they fart
• Staying mad at them when they look at you with "those eyes"
• Not laughing when your dog humps your friends
• Trying not to find humor in blowing in their faces, stretching their eyes into Asian eyes, and dressing them up
• Forgetting them once they pass away

It's never perfect, and it's never easy.

But that's life.

Entailing: Then & Now

It's funny to look back on your life a year ago, and compare it to where you are now.

The time flies, but so much happens.

For some, it's been a year of happiness- for others, a struggle.

Either way, the time has gone by, and we've made it to this point; still breathing, still alive.

Do I remember what I was doing last year on May 28, 2010? Fat chance.

On May 28, 2012 will I remember what I'm doing right now? It's highly unlikely.

How often do we actually remember exactly what we were doing, and even more-so, what we were thinking?

I don't know about you readers, but sometimes I wonder if I'll ever remember exactly what I was thinking at this exact moment. I like to pretend I can, but come on.. I can't. haha.

Although, I've come to realize- We remember the most when we felt the most. Whether it's happiness, or sorrow, and oddly, a few sporadic things here and there.

This time last year, I was getting ready to graduate, committed to Northwest College in little ol' Powell, Wyoming for soccer, getting over a boy, and ready to get out of this place.

Where am I now?

I'm back in Salt Lake City, sitting in the room I deserted for 5 months, signing up for my sophomore year classes at the University of Utah, and yes, getting over another boy.

This time last year, I never would have thought I'd be back home, doing what I'm doing now.

When I thought about that, it sort of upset me.. This isn't what I planned for.

But then.. I realized, this time next year I could be doing something completely different, just like last year to now; and the fact that I have absolutely no idea what that is, is exciting- and to be honest, somewhat relieving.

I've realized I always try to make a plan for things, because if I plan, I know exactly what's going to happen and what to expect, therefore I can avoid disappointment.

Today, I came to the sudden realization- nothing I had planned on happening, happened- and the things I hadn't planned on, did. So frankly, why plan?

The things we want to do in life shouldn't be written on a piece of paper with a pen- they should be written on a white board- no scratching, no guilt; we can just change it real quick, and if we change our minds 5 minutes later, we don't have to say, "Ahhh.. but I just wrote that!".

Because after all, the things we want are always changing, right?

Oh, the things that can happen in a year. It's not the same as the things that can happen in a day, or even a month!

In a year, you can fall in love, and fall out of love.
you can't fall in and out of love in a day
Or even a month- not real love.
Psychologists did a study that said a crush lasts a maximum of 4 months- if it exceeds that, it's love.

In a day, you can forget to brush your teeth.
I hope and pray someone won't forget to brush their teeth for a month
and heaven forbid a year.

In a month, every leaf can change colors.
in a day? maybe one or two.
in a year, they fall off, bloom, and change colors.

In a year, you can be fine, break a bone, and be perfectly fine again.
in a day, you break it.
in a month, it's only healing.

In a month, everyday happens once.
in a day, it's only today!
and in a year, they happen 12 times!

In a day, it could be cloudy all day.
But it's very unlikely for it to be cloudy all month
and all year.

See what I mean? There is just something about a year from then and now that seems so significant.

I bet you couldn't count how many people you met in the last year.

I bet you couldn't count how many showers you took in the last year.

I bet you couldn't count how many homework assignments you procrastinated.

I bet you couldn't count how many times you said 'I love you'.

I bet you couldn't count how many times you hit 'snooze' on your alarm.

I bet you couldn't count how many times you ate a banana.

I bet you couldn't.

And that's a good thing- because if you walked around tallying everything- you'd be wasting your time tracking things instead of doing them.

The hardest part, is looking back, and wishing some of the things were still the same.

But you have to look at it this way, if you were fine before they happened, you have the ability to be ok when they end.

Some people will graduate high school this year, sad that it's over- and in a year, wonder why it ever even mattered in the first place.

While others will have already graduated a year back, not caring when it happened- and wishing they could go back.

Some people will graduate from college this year because they wanted to start their career- and in a year, from their cubicle, wish they would've enjoyed it while they could have.

While others will drop out of school and party their life away this year- and in a year, wishing they would've stuck with it.

Some people will get married this year- and in a year, get a divorce.

While others got a divorce last year- and finally met the real love of their life, or realized, the person they had, is actually the person they want.

Time keeps moving along, even if we want it to stop.

The clock keeps ticking, even if we want it to slow down.

So don't stop, and don't slow down.

Because in a year that will be now, and today will just be another then.

Entailing: That's Life

Rarely, does it turn out how we want it to.

There are good people, bad people, and a bunch of mediocre people.

Don't let any of them get in the way.

Roll with the punches, don't throw them.

As much as we try, we honestly have no idea whats in store for us.

Let what happens, happen.

Let the sun shine, and the rain fall.

You're only lifestyle should be happiness- not partying.

Surround yourself with the good vibes of good people.

Have a good time with healthy hobbies.

Regret little.

Don't let one person stop you from living your life.

& don't live your life for one person.

It's easier to forgive ourselves and others for what we've done rather than what we haven't.

There's no such thing as too much love.

Give just as much as you take.

Roll down the windows when everyone else has them closed.

Give it all you've got.

We've only got one shot

& that's life.

Entailing: Never

Manipulating words
convinced her in believable lies.
The pain didn't matter
nor the look in her eyes.
Snatching hands
ripped it all away
He laughed at her,
"You really thought I'd stay?"
He took her life
and took her heart
with words like a knife,
but that's not the best part.
She tried to tell him
but he wouldn't listen.
He ended it all
watching her last tear glisten.
On the floor
he saw the note.
He saw it folded
he saw what she wrote,
"I know you don't love me
and I know it's best,
If I let you go,
and forget the rest.
I could never hurt you
the way you've hurt me.
I couldn't stab back,
why can't you see?
I know down deep
there's good in you.
But I've found it's like dreaming;
I only believe it when I'm asleep.
We'll never understand why
I love you so-
and that's the reason
I must let you go.
You could've told me
there was no forever,
I'm leaving you now,
because I know it's a never."
He dropped the letter
and dropped the knife.
He could've been gentle
and let her live her life.
Unnecessary pain
he inflicted on her.
He decided from it
there was nothing to gain.
He thought he was funny
and thought he was clever.
In the end, he was the one
with nothing but never.